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Barton's Top 10 Tips for a Healthy, Happy
Relationship I have often
been asked, "What makes a relationship work?" Here are my Top 10 Tips
for a successful relationship. These are
things couples in successful relationships do. Don't try to do them all
at
once; pick one and see how it works for you, then try another. Not everything
is going to work for everybody, but using any one of these tips will
improve
your relationship. 1. Have a
relationship meeting, where you talk face to face once a week. This
should be
very private, uninterrupted time in which you and your partner can
focus only
on each other. Here are some
ideas of what your session should include: A. Connect with each other
by
holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. B. Decide whether you
are
going to talk about what's going on right now, or resolve old issues.
C. Share
the vision and goals of your relationship. D. End the evening with a
"date" or fun activity after the discussion. 2. Make sure
you have your partner's attention before you talk. To
communicate, you first must agree to listen and make sure you are being
heard.
Simply ask, "Is this a good time for us to talk?" Your partner should
be truthful. If it's not a good time, don't try to force the
conversation. Instead,
schedule a time when you both will be able to give your full attention.
Never
try to hold a conversation when your partner's attention is focused on
something else. There are
times when it isn't appropriate to make an appointment to talk. During
crises,
your partner needs you now, not later. At these times, be sensitive;
drop what
you are doing, and be prepared to listen and talk. 3. Give in on
the little things. There are only
two big things in life: birth and death. Everything else is small
stuff. Be
willing to give in on the small stuff. Few things will do more to
improve the
relationship. Plus, when you give in on the little stuff, the big
things tend
to go your way. If you are
both invested in an issue, assign a rating (on a scale of 1 to 10) to
see who
should give in. If something is a 10 for your partner but only a 5 for
you,
give in. This also works well with family and children. 4. Find ways
to say "I love you" without saying "I love you." Practice
random acts of kindness with your partner. Leave coded messages. Do
nice things
for no reason. In other words, do all the little things you did when
courting
your lover that have now fallen by the wayside. Give to your
partner in the ways he or she wishes to be given to. 5. Communicate
your feelings in a loving, constructive way as soon as circumstances
permit. One of the
quickest ways to kill a relationship is to nurse grudges and harbor
resentment.
These never lead to positive outcomes; they only lead to unkindness,
anger and
sadness. If you aren't
comfortable talking to your partner about issues, find someone else to
talk to.
You must find an outlet for your frustrations, or they will creep in
and damage
your relationship. 6. Be a team
player. You can't be
in a relationship for yourself; both parties have to give 100 percent
to get
100 percent. One good tool
for working on your relationship is to create a "wish list" of fun
things you would like to do with your partner. List three or four
things you
would like to do in the next few weeks. These should be small, fun
things that
are easy to do, and each spouse should be willing to go along with the
other's
list. In effect, you
and your partner are granting each other a wish, so don't put something
on the
list that will cause major conflict. 7. Work on
your relationship. The biggest
difference between relationships that work and the ones that don't are
the
couples in the relationships that work, work on them. This keeps you
from
taking each other for granted. You have to be
committed to making the relationship work, and part of that commitment
means
becoming a team player. 8. Create new
goals together. Goals create
deeper understanding and strengthen loving relationships. It is
necessary to
re-evaluate your goals once you have achieved some or all of them
because
happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not getting it. Creating new
goals together can help create deeper understanding and strengthen
loving
relationships. 9. Fight fair. Conflict in
relationships is inevitable. If you fight fair, conflict can be
resolved in a
positive, constructive manner. Some rules for
constructive arguing include the following: A. Don't ambush your
partner; pick
a time that is good for both of you to talk in private. B. Don't
name-call or
belittle your partner. Criticize the behavior, not the person. C.
Remember,
using "old stuff" or "stockpiling" is not constructive to
solving problems. D. Never threaten your relationship; emotional
blackmail will
only escalate discomfort. 10. Act
romantic and you will feel romantic. When it comes
to sex, don't wait for the "mood" to come over you. Set the scene,
play the part and you will be surprised how easy the romantic feelings
come. A difficult
part about life is how much time it takes to live, and how little time
is left
to put into your relationship. When a problem
comes up in your business, you jump on it right away, but when a
problem comes
up in your relationship, it's easy to find a million excuses to ignore
it or
hope it will go away. We all need to take some
time to "work" on our relationships. AUTHOR’S BIO: (c) 2003 Barton Goldsmith |