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Men
talk one way, women talk another Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., MFT
August 4, 2003 I
overheard two women chatting in the market. One asked the other, "Does
your husband talk to you?" Her companion answered: "Of course he
talks; he has to ask me what's for dinner, doesn't he?" I
totally understand where they are coming from. Most men have a hard
time
communicating anything that remotely resembles an emotion. Why? Because
emotions are scary to men, who think much more than they feel and, much
of the
time, many men don't even know what or how they are feeling. It
is interesting to note that, physiologically, women think and feel at
the same
time, while men can only think or feel. And based on most men's
reluctance to
embrace their feminine sides, it's no wonder they do their level best
to stay
in their heads. Guys
figure that once they have said the fateful words "I love you" and
the relationship is in full swing, there are only three reasons to have
a real
conversation: sex, money and breaking up. So
when a woman wants to talk, and the guy realizes he has to think and
feel at
the same time, just the idea becomes a challenge. So it's easy to
understand
why men have a harder time talking about feelings; it's because they
have to
switch gears from their head to their hearts. Sometimes when they have
to do it
very quickly, they may feel like the life is being sucked out of them. Most
of the time when a man wants to talk, it's to ask, "What do you want to
do
this weekend?" When a woman says, "Let's talk," it's a signal
for guys to worry -- as if their relationship is being threatened just
because
the woman in their lives wants to talk. You know, guys, this could be a
slight
overreaction. What
men need to understand is that when a woman says she wants to talk,
she's
saying, "I want to be closer." Unfortunately, when a man hears that,
he thinks something's wrong. There
are some other interesting facts that can enlighten us as to why it
seems that
men don't talk; for example, women have twice as many words as men.
Women speak
at a rate of 250 words per minute; men speak at 125, and, according to
Gary
Smalley, author of "Making Love Last Forever," in the course of a
day, women on average speak 25,000 words, compared to a man's average
12,000.
By the end of the day men are talked out, and women still have a day's
worth of
conversation in them. So one of the reasons men don't feel comfortable
talking
is because most women can outtalk them. Men
and women also have different conversational styles. Women tend to talk
faster
when they get excited and may interrupt their partners, who are
struggling to
find the right words. When this happens, the men may lose track or shut
down
because they feel cut off and were unable to express what they were
feeling. Understanding
how men and women differ when it comes to talking will give everyone
more
empathy when it comes to discussing emotional issues. And understanding
each
other is a big step toward creating and maintaining an emotionally fit
and
loving relationship. AUTHOR’S BIO: (c) 2003 Barton Goldsmith |